i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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