I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
