Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
