Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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