Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
then he tried to convert me to islam
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
