my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
