I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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