i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
