we have pet lesbian snakes
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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