i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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