last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
