I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
