I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
