The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
