You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
