I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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