bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She's the barista slut.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
