how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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