I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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