Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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