Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize