I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
