why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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