Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
