Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
