where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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