It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
