Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
