i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
did you just send me my own nude
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
