Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
