What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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