Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
