I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
