Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
