the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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