it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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