Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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