Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
