I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
