My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
