all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
