In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
