does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
