Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
