I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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