I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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