i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
