Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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