Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
