You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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