She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
3 2 1 whiskey
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
