Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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