I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize