My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
