Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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