is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
