I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
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