My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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