I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
